To be able to create extraordinary relationship, it is essential that you get clarity about the different parts that can be sitting at the steering wheel of your relationship and which have completely opposite purposes:
- your ego (also called the Box, your worldview, your identity)
- your being
Which part is at the steering wheel?
In order to learn which part has the majority you can answer the following 12 questions:
- When you are having a conversation with your partner do you like to be right and put things right?
- Do you find yourself arguing or discussing with your partner or blaming them from time to time (also more often).
- When they talk about something that doesn’t interest you at all, do you roll your eyes (if though it might only be for yourself) or do you already start thinking what other things you still have to do?
- Do you collect resentment points, because your partner doesn’t see or do things they way you see or do them? (e. g. putting away their stuff, helping in the household, put the car keys where they are supposed to be, or else).
- Do you have expectations towards your partner and do you let them feel it when they don’t meet your expectations? (They just can’t do it right for you).
- Do you keep remembering important things that you have to do first when there is the opportunity for intimacy? (Do you for example remember that you still wanted to write 3 emails, answer 5 WhatsApp messages or take the garbage out?).
- Do you burn yourself out at work or in your leisure time by doing so much that you are tired and exhausted in all four bodies (especially in the physical body, but also in the emotional, intellectual and energetic body) so that you are no longer able to really enjoy the time with your partner?
- If you are a woman: Do you complain because your man doesn’t listen the way your best friends listens, but instead comes up with solutions?
If you are a man: Are you annoyed, because your woman doesn’t get tot hey point, but instead talks about 5 topics at the same time or puts too many details into one topic?
- Do you blame your partner from time to time for everything that goes wrong and hasn’t been done yet?
- Are you hoping that your partner fulfills your unfulfilled needs from the past? (e. g. the former lack of love, attention, appreciation, etc.)
- If your partner pushes one of your red buttons, do you react immediately out of this emotion and start a discussion, a quarrel or do you sulk and isolate withdraw?
- Do you keep making up dialogues in your mind about how stupid your partner is, what they did wrong again and that they might never understand what you actually need (because that’s what they should actually sense or read from your eyes, right?)?
Have you answered one or several question with YES? Then you might be creating ordinary relationship, because your box/your ego are at work. As soon as your partner says something, triggers you and you get hooked, your box is already reacting. The box is made of opinions, education, cultural and religious imprints, stories, prejudices, social norms and rules, experiences, etc. The highest purpose of the box is protection, control and survival that means your ego/your box does everything to keep things the way they are and not take responsibility. This way you can stay in your comfort zone. It is neither good nor bad, it just the mechanism of the box. At the same time this mechanism produces certain results that might be hindering on the way to extraordinary relationship.
The good news is:
You have a box/an ego, but you are not your box/your ego.
However, we are oftentimes so much identified with our box and all its characteristics that we think we are the box, we are our worldview, and we are our beliefs. That’s why oftentimes the boxes are in relationship, which in the end only allows ordinary relationship.
Fortunately there is another part: The being.
The being is the essence of each human being; the part that has so called bright being qualities, which are beyond acquired patterns, beliefs and experiences. Being qualities oftentimes show through principles like benevolence, love, equanimity, enthusiasm, being with, development, generosity, clarity, discipline, teamwork, variety, creativity, etc. Each person has unique being qualities.
12 Examples of how to switch into the mode of being with
In order to create with your partner extraordinary relationship, it is helpful to get into the being-with-mode. Here are 12 examples for daily life, how to get there:
- If you are in a conversation with your partner and find yourself in the mode of being right, stop for a second and remember the following sentence: „Either you are right, or you are in relationship.“ Both at the same time are not possible. A leader in relationship is the one who gets off their position first. So stop fighting. Give up your being right and better knowing, which is just a survival-control-mechanism of your box.
- Be a YES for your partner. This means that you step back and radically honest realize how often and in which situations you are a NO for your partner. Then switch to being a YES. (Do you e. g. often say no when they suggest something?). If you are often a NO for your partner, watch the movie “The Yes-Man” with Jim Carrey.
- If your partner talks about something that doesn’t interest you at all, tray to focus on their enthusiasm while talking or on any other quality that resides in them. Discover the being qualities. You can read the being qualities in their eyes.
- Each resentment point – no matter how big or small – prevents intimacy. Be courageous to show yourself vulnerably and reveal and clarify your resentment points with your partner so that you can again be with each other without resentment.
- Stay with yourself by learning to be centered. This way you can powerfully face your partner on eye-level instead of losing yourself in neediness and adaptive behavior. Then authentically ask for what you need (instead of having expectations).
- Be present and awake so that you can realize the doors and opportunities for intimacy. Instead of doing seemingly important daily-life stuff, declare that the most important thing for you is the space of intimacy and love. Then enjoy the free evening with your partner.
- Take care of yourself, your body, your nutrition and pay attention that you have enough relaxation phases for yourself so that you are fit and relaxed when you spend time with your partner. A constantly tired and exhausted partner is not very sexy. Take into consideration that your Gremlin – the king of your own underworld – stages working hard and being exhausted as great opportunity to avoid deep intimacy.
- Use so called discovery listening. That means, when your partner tells you something you consciously direct your ear towards e. g. the principle of love. Listen between the sentences where they say “I love you” (e. g. when they tell you that they bought the beverages as agreed or that they repaired the heating, take into consideration that they did it out of love so that the two of you are well nourished or that you have a cozy warm apartment).
- Appreciate your partner as often as possible. What do you appreciate about them? Their attentiveness, their discipline, their humor, their sense of community and togetherness? Appreciation is about being qualities. Also thank them for all the little things they do every day that show their being qualities (even if it is something like clearing the dish washer).
- Own your feelings again and share authentically and vulnerably what you feel instead of getting lost in superficial daily life logistics. Start with the sentence „I feel angry/afraid/sad/joy, because…“
- Learn to use your power of anger in order to distinguish feelings from emotions. As soon as your partner says something and by this pushes one of your red buttons, keep breathing calmly several times first. Find the gap. Avoid reacting immediately out of the triggered emotion (which is often based on old experiences or decisions). It might be helpful to remember in that moment the following sentence „Stop. I am hooked. This has nothing to do with my partner.” Then share with them that you are hooked. When you realize that your partner can hook you over and over again with the same topic, than arrange it that you take a look at and solve the topic for yourself later.
- Pay attention to your thoughts! As soon as you realize that you make your partner a swine in your mind, take a different direction immediately. Put up something like an inner stop sign (or several ones) and find at least one thing that you appreciate about your partner. Even if you only think that they are an idiot, the thought will have an energetic impact on your relationship.
Couple Experiment in Being With
Here is an experiment for being with that you can do together with your partner.
Sit across from each other and facing each other (ideally there is not table between you). Pay attention that you don’t touch. Now declare that the following 10 minutes are the time for being with each other. During these 10 minutes you look each other in the eyes. This experiment is not about staring or about who starts laughing first. It is about seeing the other person in their being and letting yourself be seen.
Try to switch the mode from „HAVING a relationship“ to „BEING in relationship“ and see your relationship as a space of possibility where connection, development, integrity, flow, deep sharing, lightness, love, humor and intimacy can arise. Relationship is an ongoing conscious act of nonlinear creation. The question simply is: Are you ready to take responsibility to shift more and more into the being mode in order to create attentively and present a relationship that is authentic and extraordinary?
Have fun experimenting!