Are you hoping to finally live a fulfilling relationship, but you're not really succeeding yet? Of course, there are numerous factors that are necessary to create a fulfilling relationship. In addition to certain skills, however, it is crucial to clarify in the first step to what extent you are deceiving yourself and are trapped in one of the 3 common relationship illusions that we look at below.
1. When my partner changes, our relationship becomes better
Have you ever had this thought? Well, most people probably already had that hope. But it is one of the greatest illusions in relationship. You may have already experienced that you have just entered into a relationship in love, but after a few weeks the actual characteristics, patterns and behaviors of the other person have become apparent. This is usually the phase of irritation where you ask yourself "Oh, that's how he/she is! Do I really want to be with this person?" Even if you've been in a relationship for a long time, this question can come up as soon as you realize that you're not really happy and dream of a different kind of relationship. Maybe you're happy to be in a relationship at all, so you ignore certain behaviors and think it's going to change.
This marks the start of the phase of hope. You hope that your partner will change and start telling yourself all sorts of stories, e.g.: he/she will definitely change once he/she has vacation, can relax, the work is no longer so stressful, the person has found a new job, they have clarified the dispute with their parents, siblings or anyone else, or, or, or. You begin to tie the relationship to stories, conditions and external circumstances and hope and hope and hope. Believe me, I know this very well from the past.
It's also very easy to take this perspective, because then you don't have to change yourself. It is then only up to the other person that the relationship is not fulfilling. In the hope of change, you cling to the small moments in which it is quite nice before the next stress appears again, you are at distance with your partner or live side by side in a habit.
But even if it is painful, be aware that you live in an illusion in this mode. Your partner will not suddenly change miraculously. Even the relationship as such will not suddenly change miraculously. If you're not happy in your relationship, it's about turning the question around and asking yourself, "Why did I draw this person into my life? What do I need to learn or change in myself to make a different kind of relationship possible?” Then you can embark on your personal development path to learn how to create fulfilling relationships at eye-level.
But that brings us to the next illusion:
2. When I change, my partner will change automatically
If you change, your partner and thus your relationship will automatically change. That would be nice, wouldn't it? This happens however only to a certain extent. If you want to take your relationship to a new, fulfilling level and are truly committed to looking at your issues, working on yourself and dissolving old patterns and mechanisms that have prevented a fulfilling relationship so far, that's a very crucial step. It is indeed the decisive step. Recently, however, a client said: "I thought that if I change, then my partner automatically changes and so does our relationship." He was thinking of the so-called change of form. What does this mean? Well, consider the following picture:
The people around you know you with certain behaviors and a certain energy, have become accustomed to it and in some cases have adapted. Let's say you have the form A. Now, when you start working on yourself, your behaviors, your energy, your thoughts, your structure, etc. change and you begin to hold more consciousness. You take on a new form B, so to speak. The people around you may not be able to explain it in words, but they feel that something is different. Over time, they usually get used to it.
The crux of the shape change:
Consider that you are with your current partner, because you attracted the other person based on your previous structure, energy, behaviors and patterns. If, due to your commitment to live a fulfilling relationship, you are now entering a process of change and thus getting a different energy and structure, the crucial question is whether your partner is ready to go to the next level, too. It may be that he/she is enthusiastic about the change and also starts changing. But there are also people who cannot go along with this step. I had a partner myself many years ago when I started my personal change process. After a short time, it turned out that although he found my change exciting, he preferred to stay in his old bubble and his patterns of ordinary relationship and could not go along with the path. There are people for whom it is too dangerous to look at their own issues. Although they want a fulfilling relationship, they prefer to stay in the usual mode and their comfort zone.
Now, of course, the interesting question is, what do you do in such a situation? Either you trust your change, your new strength and clarity, stick to your commitment to live a fulfilling relationship and possibly draw consequences, even if it is not easy (this can also mean separation). Or you prefer to put your new sword of clarity aside, let your partner suck you back into his/her ordinary game and get stuck on the old level out of convenience and habit, because you'd rather be in some kind of relationship than start over.
This can happen very easily, especially if you do not use your feelings consciously and responsibly and, above all, do not trust your fear. Most people let themselves be paralyzed and blocked by their own fear or say, "I'm scared, so I shouldn't do it. Fear is warning me that something unknown is about to happen." With the view that fear is debilitating, blocking, and definitely to be avoided, you won't be able to make a clear decision for a fulfilling relationship. That's one of the reasons why many people stay in relationships where they're actually not happy. It scares them to take a stand for themselves, because they don't know what their lives will look like then.
However, consider that fear is a great feeling and force that makes you plan, lets you go into new territory, lets you go beyond your inner boundaries, lets you be awake and present, and you need it to be creative and innovative. It's absolutely appropriate to be afraid when you change and make decisions, because you can't know what's going to happen. Was I afraid when I drew the consequences? Yes, I was. But I opened the door to fulfilling relationship anyway and went through it. And if there's one thing I can say, it's that it was really worth it.
3. The special case: „We love each other, but…“
In recent months, I have had the special case several times that clients said, "I love my partner, but I am still missing something and I am not happy." Every time I asked what they think connects them with the other person, the answer was "We are very familiar with each other because we have known each other for a long time, have experienced a lot and there are a lot of things that work in our relationship."
The thing is, if you want to live a fulfilling relationship, it is crucial that you are nourished on 4 different levels. These are the physical, the intellectual, the emotional and the energetic level. If you can have great conversations with the other person or you carry out joint projects (intellectual level), but you do not get food on the physical level (you e.g. do not exchange intimacy, do not do anything together in your free time that nourishes you), then the relationship is already on shaky ground. It's like a table. If you're not nourished on one level, it's like sawing off one of the four table legs and the table starts to wobble. If the emotional level (e.g. authentically communicate feelings, show oneself vulnerable, etc.) or the energetic level (e.g. meditate together, cultivate rituals, be with each other, etc.), then also fall away or are only slightly nourished, then the table begins to tilt.
The only question you can ask yourself and answer radically honestly is therefore:
Are you really happy and nourished in your current relationship, yes or no?
Don't answer "maybe," or "yes, but..." or "a little", but quite clearly and simply: yes or no. If the answer is no, then the next question is: "Are you or are you ready together to embark on the path of change?" It's just about the next step.
Your life is precious. Your lifetime is limited. Don't say, "At some point, I'll take care of it." or "If the circumstances are different, then...". If you really want to live a fulfilling relationship, start NOW. The circumstances on the outside are just an illusion and a distraction. You came into the world with a free will and you are free to decide what to do with your precious lifetime. Don't waste it in ordinary relationships where you're not happy and fully nourished, because at the end of all days, all that remains is one question: "Did you really live and love?"
Once you seriously decide to embark on the path to fulfilling relationship, the universe can finally take action and deliver the next steps or tasks. Trust the process.
I sincerely wish you a deeply fulfilling relationship in your life.
Love,
Nicola